From Cagle Newsletter:
Terrorists Follow Us Home
Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
A lot of trees died in vain as newsprint this week, reporting details of President Bush's wasted, desperate attempt to float a new trial balloon in his tortured six-year war against logic, reason, gravity and physics. Apparently he's in need of a new sack of gas to tie his failed Iraqi war plan to. Due to the fact his most recent verbal bag of helium - "stay the course" - has been tossed onto the same discarded pile of shriveled rubber as "dead or alive," "smoking gun as a mushroom cloud" and "welcomed with flowers and candy."
He held an hour-long press conference in an elastic attempt to sound reasonable, having about as much success as a rabid, flatulent weasel trying to hide in a half-empty bin of spinach fettuccine at Whole Foods. Trotting out a series of mantras, the president courted the opinion of average Americans who, recent polls say, still retain their admiration for the man for his stick-to-itiveness, though they remain a bit skeptical of his synaptic activity. Much like a man intent on breaking through a brick wall using only his forehead. While you have to admire his persistence you probably don't want him doing much math.
Experimenting with the calibrated residue of Karl Rove's extensive hot-air polling of focus groups, Dubyah introduced the new official buzz phrase of the Iraqi occupation: the word "wrong." Cutting and running is "wrong." The Democrats are patriotic but "wrong." Spandex on NFL linemen. Screw Kappa Napa. It's all just "wrong." He went on to say if we don't finish the job in Iraq, the world will see us as quitters and you know what they say about quitters. "Quitters bruise their shins and winners never evacuate and are destined to bloat up like poisoned toads," or something like that. He wasn't really clear. As usual.
"There's a lot of people - good, decent people - saying, 'Withdraw now.' They're wrong," Bush said. "There are a lot of people in the Democrat Party who believe that the best course of action is to leave Iraq before the job is done, period. And they're wrong." Unfortunately, he steadfastly refuses to tell us exactly what job he is talking about. I'm thinking it has to do with developing a falafel-based oil substitute.
He further explained if we leave, the terrorists will follow us home. And if they follow us home, we'll have to walk them twice a day and feed them and brush them and they'll need shots and let me tell you right now, they're sleeping outside, mister. Oh sure, they're cute when they're young, but when terrorists grow up, they're just like animals. Constantly begging for scraps and whimpering because they're afraid to be left alone. "Allah is watching." Chewing shoes. Peeing on their prayer rug.
At the end, he waxed weirdly poetic and at the same time loopy. "Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy, you know. But war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times and they're straining the psyche of our country." And as one who's had my psyche strained, I have to admit, he's right. "We're not leaving so long as I'm the president." Okay, Mr. President, whatever it takes.
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, social outcast Will Durst is willing to help out the president any way he can.
©2006 Will Durst. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will's performance schedule. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Email Will at email@example.com.