[Note: I love this column!]
From Panoka News. com :
Police Blotter
By Cst. Douglas Enns
Nov 15 2006
Between November 5th and the 12th, Ponoka RCMP members responded to approx. 130 complaints and requests for assistance. During that time our Gallery was populated by a mere 15 Rogues. This week; an ode to idioms.
Police were alerted to five 911 calls originating from the same cell phone. Nothing was heard and there was no answer each time that the operator called back. Checks of our police databases were performed in order to determine the owner of the phone and in doing so, discovered that the cell phone had been reported stolen from a man in Ponoka several months earlier and apparently hasn’t been reassigned to any other subscriber. Police never did locate the caller and don’t know what he called 911 for. Too bad. Police would have liked to locate the person in possession of that stolen property to render any assistance which seemed appropriate. Two birds. One phone.
Police observed a man, in the act of, breaking into a car with a coat hanger. At first his story seemed credible enough. He stated that he had locked his keys inside and in fact the keys were in the ignition. He was using a coat hanger to break in and police know that no self-respecting car thief would use one of those. It’s so ‘old school’. On a sub-conscious level the man must have wanted to get arrested. He was asked for one thing and would direct you to something that was illegal. For instance, he directed police’s attention to his car keys. Police noted that his car keys featured a fob which was a small burnt spoon with cocaine residue upon it. When asked for his insurance and registration he could not produce either but in looking through his things he pulled out a stolen licence plate. Interesting. That led to some closer scrutiny of the licence plate on his car. Stolen too. A bill of sale was never located either. Police continue to look into the ownership of the vehicle. A Red Deer man will be appearing in Ponoka Provincial Court soon to face a number of charges, give or take a count of auto theft. If at first you don’t succeed ... wait for the police car to drive by before trying again.
A woman called 911 to report that she could hear voices outside of her door and that someone was trying to get in. Police attended and located two drunks seated in a vehicle outside of that residence and questioned them. Despite there being two fresh sets of zig zagging footprints in the snow going from the front stoop of the complainants residence to this very vehicle, both denied any involvement. Both were given accommodations for the evening to prevent them from being the victim of any more false allegations. One of them had some outstanding warrants he’d managed to avoid for the last 5 years and he was afforded the opportunity to deal with them. Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get arrested for 5 years from now.
Police were dispatched to a local bar at closing time to deal with a patron in the washroom who was refusing to leave. Police attended and discovered that the subject of the complaint was not so much refusing to leave as he was unable to leave. More could not than would not. Perhaps in part because of being ‘over served’ but mostly because of neglecting to put the toilet seat down before sitting ... the man had become stuck inside the bowl with his feet just off the ground and nothing more substantial than some crude graffiti scratched onto the stall walls to grasp onto in order to pull himself up. The toilet paper dispenser had already failed him and had since dropped uselessly onto the floor. Police offered up a helping hand (a gloved, helping hand) and helped the man to ‘pop’ free from the predicament posed by his precarious perch. I wonder if this is what was meant by that mathematical / philosophical idiom: the hole is greater than some of (his) parts.
There were a handful of complaints involving rural community mailboxes this week. Not so much complaints about the boxes themselves but the in fact that people were hooking chains to them and dragging them down the country roads. Some were found but some, suspected of suffering the same fate, are unaccounted for. Due to the serial nature of these crimes our Behavioral Sciences Section was called in to assist investigators. They came up with this profile of the suspects. Likely a small group, consisting of two or three Caucasian males, aged 17 - 19 years old, who claim Johnny Knoxville as their spiritual leader and who, despite the warnings on their favorite TV show, “Jackass”, their stunts are not performed by professionals or under the supervision of professionals. They enjoy things like filming each other doing stunts like mailbox skiing or those involving fireworks and body cavities. Should anyone be surprised that one or more of them may have been on board that mail box as it was being dragged down the road. You shouldn’t be. These incidents occurred along 604 between the QEII and Gull Lake. All play and no work makes Jack (and his pal’s) dull witted boys.
If you can identify these melon-headed miscreants and want to help us save them from themselves or if you have information about any unsolved crime or any ongoing criminal enterprise, you can call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS (8477).
© Copyright 2006 Ponoka News
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